Rick asked what kind of advice we have to give to others today.
The best advice I can pass on is:
Never hook up for the long term with someone you wouldn't want to take care of if he or she became a quadraplegic; never hook up for the long term with someone you don't think would take care of you if you became a quadraplegic.
You can replace "quadraplegic" with any number of other life altering conditions.
As a paramedic, I was frequently called to the apartment of a couple in their early 20's. The man's name was "Michael", and he had been shot in the neck at an arcade about a year and a half earlier when he happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was minding his own business when a young gang member changed his life forever. Michael was a dark haired, good looking guy, married with a newborn infant at the time. He had come out to play a quick game of pool with a friend. That gunshot wound left him a quadraplegic.
I was always impressed by the way his young wife took care of him. They didn't have any money, lived in a 2 bedroom apartment, and had turned their master bedroom into what amounted to a hospital room. She lifted him, she bathed him, she fed him. She not only cared for his needs but also took care of their 2 year old. Usually, when we responded to their apartment, it was because Michael had come down with another infection and needed transportation to the hospital, or, he was choking briefly and his wife had gotten scared.
Most impressive about this woman was that, here she was, living solely to take care of these two other individuals in her life - a baby and a quadraplegic husband, and she always had a smile for me when I came through the door. She never looked "put out", or resentful, or angry; she just always looked tired. She loved that man, and it was obvious in the way she cared for him. I could always tell that Michael was embarrassed by the fact that his wife was lifting him, doing all these things for him; you can imagine what that's like for a 20 something young man that had once been happy go lucky, strong and independent. He wasn't always in the best of moods, but I never saw her break down or appear to be anything less than devoted to him.
So my advice holds. If you could stand by the person you're with when everything changes - the sex, the money, the responsibilities - and they would do the same for you, then you are with the right person. It's easy to love when everything's perfect...
Posted by Cranky at June 23, 2002 10:48 AMExcellent advice, Tess. It's incredible to see how long term relationships, which have always been relatively stress-free, can break down with great alacrity as soon as the going gets rough.
Posted by: Kim on June 23, 2002 11:43 AMyou are very wise.
Posted by: kd on June 23, 2002 01:50 PMTess - Thank you for sharing; tears welled up in my eyes after reading it, being grateful and thanking God, knowing without a doubt that I am with the right person.
I would do anything in a heartbeat if something tragic happend -- for better or worse as they say.
Sometime last year I worked for a couple in their mid-40's as caregiving for their twin Autistic pre-teen boys.
Keeping in mind that this is challenge alone on a daily basis, the husband also runs a successful business out of his home, travels about twice a month to for business meetings, on top of all this, he is a helping hand for anything his wife needs due to her using the aid of arm crutches, taking her to numerous doctor appointments to figure out the cause for her unknown neurological condition that dibilitates her muscles to be weak, causing her to shake uncontrolably as she walks.
I have learned to press on and be grateful for the simpest things, and know that as this couple continues this journey we call life, they will always allow love to be their strong foundation.
This man I highly respect and look up to, hoping that if I am ever in his position, I would always keep people laughing, even when it's a bad day, through the humor as life throws it's continuous curve ball.
Posted by: Robin on June 23, 2002 02:02 PMI was going to say "how sad," but I stopped myself. People like that don't deserve pity, but rather our respect. I wonder how many of us would handle a situation like that with so much grace? I wonder if I would??
Great advice.
Posted by: Kelly on June 24, 2002 12:23 AMtess,
no one could have said it better. those are my sentiments exactly. like i always say: when all the positions have been taken, and 'show-time' comes around--just what do you have in your mate??
it's something to seriously think about. if you're willing to lay down your life for that person (in any sense of the word) and he for you, then that's the one. the *real mccoy*
Tess -- thanks for your wisdom. While my condition is far less serious, I am nevertheless grateful, everyday, that my husband has the grace and compassion to care for me through the endless days of fatigue, the muscle pain, migraines and panic attacks that mark my worst days. The man I was involved with previously would not have cared for me. I am able to work 40+ hours a week and do my hobbies because my husband "picks up the slack" with all the domestic stuff that often I simply don't have the energy for -- including cooking and laundry.
Thanks again for reminding me of how lucky I am.
Posted by: Zuly on June 24, 2002 11:44 AMMy husband is a quadraplegic. He was in an automobile accident on 7-19-01. He is now 13 months out. He has the use of most of his arms. He has a trace of tricepts, and no finger movement. We have 2 girls ages 7 and 5. I stopped working to take care of my husband. We went to The Texas Institute for Rehabilitation and Research in Houston Texas. I was able to learn how to transfer with and without a board. We looked into getting a nurse to help out, but it was too expensive and I was not comfortable with someone else coming in and taking care of Jeremy. When I need, his family is there to help.
I never new what paralized people had to go through every day just to do day to day activities. When you say "never hook up for the long term with someone you wouldn't want to take care of if he or she became a quadraplegic" or vice versa, I totally agree with you. If I would have known this would happen before we got married, I know I would have still married him.
Posted by: Danielle on August 13, 2002 07:52 PMI tried to email this, but it bounced.
Danielle,
Thank you so much for leaving such a heartfelt comment. My heart goes out to you, your husband, and your family. It sounds like Jeremy is a lucky man for having found you, and you him. You must be incredibly strong, and I can't even begin to imagine what you and your husband endure daily in the way of trials and tests of your stength as well as your love. Your willingness to stay and endure the great responsibility that has been put on you is admirable, but nothing less than one would expect from a person that obviously waited for, and found, "the right person".
I wish you all the best,
Tess